"How do you justify your existence?" This was the traditional opening question that was asked of each special dinner guest to the monthly banquets of the Black Widowers club (a literary creation of Issac Asimov). And it was the tradition of the 6 members of the Black Widowers club to grill their guest and exercise their collective mind and deductive wit to solve a mind-teasing puzzle or perplexing mystery.
Interestingly to me, nine out of ten of the Black Widowers' dinner guests cited their professional vocation as the reason why they existed. Throughout my entire working life, work was also what kept me going, occupying most of my time, filling my mind and driving most of my thoughts and emotions. Yes, family, friends, health did matter to me but it was always work which was foremost in almost all my adult years.
After I quitted working for a living, I was filled with an intense, sad feeling of being a "nobody". This feeling was with me for quite a while even as I took up new challenges (of the culinary kind, having virtually no cooking or baking experience), pursued my old love (of reading, especially crime and mystery stories), renewed my long-time aspiration (to improve my diction in Mandarin) and acquired new interests (becoming a Korean drama junkie and then developing into a China TV serial addict).
As I wrestled within myself to reconcile to not having "work" to justify my existence, I kept reminding myself that I am a child of God. As a child of God, I do not need to justify my existence.
"For ye are all the children of God by faith in Christ Jesus." (Gal 3:26)
"14 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God. 15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry , Abba, Father. 16 The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: 17 And if children, then heirs; heirs of God , and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together ." (Rom 8:14-17)
It is God who justifies my existence. God has made me and He has a purpose for doing so. What is His purpose for me in this life? I do not know but it does not matter now to me that I do not know. I believe day by day the good God will lead me to do what He wants me to do, for His glory. Even in the simple activity of watching of China DVDs, I believe there's a purpose for me to brush up on my Mandarin listening and speaking skills - perhaps to interact better with Christian friends from China. Or even cooking for family and friends - I feel this is still a personal ministry, albeit mundane and ordinary, nonetheless a channel to bring blessings of joy and enjoyment.
I am particularly touched by a sonnet by John Milton (which Asimov used for one of his Black Widowers stories): "They also serve who only stand and wait."
On His Blindness
When I consider how my light is spent
When I consider how my light is spent
Ere half my days in this dark world and wide,
And that one talent which is death to hide
Lodg'd with me useless, though my soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker, and present
My true account, lest he returning chide,
"Doth God exact day-labour, light denied?"
I fondly ask. But Patience, to prevent
That murmur, soon replies: "God doth not need
Either man's work or his own gifts: who best
Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best.
His stateIs kingly; thousands at his bidding speed
And post o'er land and ocean without rest:
And so, while I may not justify my existence, I have hope in the Lord and take heart in waiting upon Him.
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